This months I left my forties behind and began embracing my fifties. Wow, time sure flies!
Each moment, day, month and year presents new challenges. I don’t think that I realized exactly what it would be like, but on the other hand I’ve never been this age before. Life is a continuous learning process like a child who learns to talk, walk and eat.
When a child begins teething we, as parents are there to help them through the fever and associated pain, teaching them to spell their names, helping them to learn to ride a bicycle. All these life moments and so many more, allow us as parents to bond with our children. Yesterday I actually found myself pausing, puzzling how is it that our adult children learn to bond with their elderly parents? Somehow gracefully both of us need to be able to work through the rest of life together.
It would seem that each trip to the doctor now includes some sort of medical testing, results from the tests or a specialist who needs to be consulted. After so many years of ferrying my children to assorted appointments, now it’s myself that needs them! It’s all rather mind blowing and unexpected. The challenge for me is to include my adult children in the various diagnoses without overwhelming or embarrassing them or myself in the process. Not so long ago after finding a lump, I underwent a mammogram. After the results were back, with great relief, I told my adult kids that I had a scare, but I was fine. As a parent I still want to shelter them from bad news, but as they are now adults perhaps that’s wrong. In reality I probably should have shared sooner rather than later. But is there a right or wrong way, or is it dependent on the moment?
I am blessed to have an open and caring relationship with my children. They know that my love is unconditional and I know that anything they say to me, they mean it with love and that makes me smile. Like children, aging comes with so much to learn, be and do. Finding the balance is going to be challenging.
As I gaze across the room my heart is full and for the first time in a long while I’m at peace.
Two little people that hold my heart hostage, and fill my heart with love to overflowing are sitting just across the room and call me Grandma. It does not matter whether I hear little giggles, tears or sweet little secrets it all makes me smile. I am continuously reminded of the days when my own kids were small and though I miss those days, I am full of gratitude for these new experiences. There is nothing like cuddles and conversations about the important stuff like Peppa Pig or the first day of school. That is what life is all about.
My sons are in their twenties now, but to me they will always be my boys. They are strong, proud, independent young men and although I have tears in my eyes as I write this they make me so proud. I don’t think I could ask for a more loving and deeply touching relationship, in fact I know it. They are not afraid to return a hug, shoot me a text, or listen to my ramblings about days gone by. They stand strong at my side and I am so grateful for both of them.
I have always worked hard, trained and honed my skills to do the best job I could no matter what that job was. I have done so many different things over the years and each job brought with it a new experience sure to add something to my skills basket. I have had the pleasure of being a babysitter, pizza box folder, sales clerk, author, museum curator, teacher, waitress, accountant and so much more. There have been times when I wobbled and fell, but I always managed through sheer will to get back up. I now have a career I love and that offers me diversity, opportunity and a continuous learning curve all things very important to me. I am blessed.
Life is good and I can’t wait to see what comes next.
I thought my children would outlive me. I thought I had years to build memories. I thought …..
Today was a hard day. It has been twelve years since my daughter passed away, and my grief still comes in waves, like a bad storm gusting wind and rain or snow. Freezing my heart and making even the good moments seem sad.
I look around me remembering, wishing, hoping that the nightmare will soon end. But it doesn’t. I feel guilty for the senseless accidental loss of my eldest taking my attention from my beautiful grandchildren and incredible sons. I feel pain beyond belief, paralyzed at times to even speak.
I wake every day scared of losing another child, torn between trying to be a good role model for my sons and allowing myself to grieve, cry and just get through the moment. Those that have been down this horrid path know exactly what I mean. Those that haven’t, give your children a hug, tell them you love them and encourage their dreams and be there for them no matter what or where.
It may seem like you have forever, and you might…
As I write this the tears flow unrestricted. My eyes are reddened, my nose is sore and my heart is broken. I hear my grandchildren laughing and playing and I am so grateful for them. My sons are incredible, they listen to the same stories over and over because they seem to understand I don’t want them to forget their sister.
I wish, I hope and I pray that my blog gives others insight into the pain and grief of losing a child.
“I truly believe that everything that we do and everyone that we meet is put in our path for a purpose. There are no accidents; we’re all teachers – if we’re willing to pay attention to the lessons we learn, trust our positive instincts and not be afraid to take risks or wait for some miracle to come knocking at our door.” Marla Gibbs
Over the years I have interacted with hundreds of people, young and old and I owe them all a great deal of thanks for the experiences, life lessons and memories. I am guilty of not letting anyone get too close, it’s better for me in the end that way. I have learned to be patient, to listen, to be there during hardship and to offer the best advice I can when asked. In return I hope I made some impact on them.
I’m almost positive that some of the mean nasty things people have said or done to me that karma took care of them. I don’t believe in fighting back. Odd eh? These people were put in my life path for a reason, and though that reason may not be clear it is important to me to take everything from the moment I can, and store it for when I need it.
I believe in myself, my integrity and honesty are among my best qualities. I know when I set my mind to something that I WILL make it happen. I am a strong woman but I’m also intelligent enough to let go of an idea, a relationship or a plan that is not in my best interests.
I expect nothing from anyone any more. Sad to say really. I work hard to meet my goals, I’m ambitious to a fault and that in itself is enough to scare many away. I am an incredible listener, in fact I would rather listen to your problems than dwell on my own. I appreciate every little thing, and believe in having an attitude of gratitude.
Many are now reading this and saying to themselves, “she’s sure full of shit”. But I’m not really. I am a parent who has lost a child in one of the most traumatizing ways. I am a parent to adult children and a proud grand parent.
Not a moment is wasted on negativity. I make the most of every moment in this life because you never know when it will end. When I do die, I want to leave this world knowing those around me know that I love them dearly. I want to smile on my way out with beautiful memories flowing through my mind. But most of all I want to know that I made a difference in someone’s life.
Take a moment to breathe, to enjoy the small things in life. Worry less, smile more and you will feel incredible.
We all have stressful situations in life, obstacles that feel impossible to leap. Some of them are going to be too much of a challenge, let them go. Enjoy the moments that you are successful, those tiny little things that make you smile.
We have no control over what the people in our lives say or do, but we do have control over ourselves. If your sad, find something that makes you feel better. For me when I’m feeling overwhelmed I go outside, or get lost in a novel. If your happy let it show.
There will always be those that try to bring us down. Negative comments, false accusations and gossip are all hurtful. I choose not to participate, even if I am the target. My life is tricky enough some days I don’t have the energy to waste on negativity.
Move past the pain that others inflict. It’s not easy, but it can be done. Karma will take care of them. Don’t waste a moment believing the things they said, just turn your head and move on. To contradict a bully only makes more issues erupt and more negativity to sprout.
“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.”
Welcome to my blog, or welcome back as the case may be. Don’t be shy, comment, like, share and generally enjoy what I write.
Some of you will have moved over from AHealingLove, others will be brand new and curious to see what I write about. Honestly I write about what strikes me, often in the moment, and totally random. I write about my amazing roller coaster ride, better known as life, but I also write about things that amaze or bother me. I DO NOT ever rant, or moan about life, its just too short for that nonsense. I also allow guest blogging from time to time, so if you have something to say, let me know!
You will read personal things about my life, my family; death, life and everything in between. I encourage you all to read what I write with an open mind.
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A bit about me:
I am a published author and experienced blogger. I love to travel, spend time with my family, knit, crochet, write and of course read! I have two small yorkies that often appear in my blogs.