I thought…

I thought my children would outlive me. I thought I had years to build memories. I thought …..

Today was a hard day. It has been twelve years since my daughter passed away, and my grief still comes in waves, like a bad storm gusting wind and rain or snow. Freezing my heart and making even the good moments seem sad. 

I look around me remembering, wishing, hoping that the nightmare will soon end. But it doesn’t. I feel guilty for the senseless accidental loss of my eldest taking my attention from my beautiful grandchildren and incredible sons. I feel pain beyond belief, paralyzed at times to even speak.  

I wake every day scared of losing another child, torn between trying to be a good role model for my sons and allowing myself to grieve, cry and just get through the moment. Those that have been down this horrid path know exactly what I mean. Those that haven’t, give your children a hug, tell them you love them and encourage their dreams and be there for them no matter what or where. 

It may seem like you have forever, and you might… 

As I write this the tears flow unrestricted.  My eyes are reddened, my nose is sore and my heart is broken. I hear my grandchildren laughing and playing and I am so grateful for them. My sons are incredible, they listen to the same stories over and over because they seem to understand I don’t want them to forget their sister. 

I wish, I hope and I pray that my blog gives others insight into the pain and grief of losing a child. 


One thought on “I thought…

  1. I can relate to your words x I had to come up with a word that would guide me through last year – I chose ‘smile’ see miracles in life everyday. This year it’s ‘focus.’ I too fear losing my other children


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